Wednesday, May 6, 2009 10:21 PM CDT
COLUMN: Waterboarding or your next boring staff meeting at work: You choose
By PENNY WEAVER, News Editor pweaver@jg-tc.com
In today’s over-the-top, exaggeration-focused world of TV talking heads, I’m surprised that no commentator yet has done the obvious: volunteered to undergo waterboarding.
Just where is Geraldo Rivera when we need him?
Maybe the more newsy type Anderson Cooper of CNN should try it. I’m positive it would get great ratings: Most women — and some men I know, too — would like to watch the handsome Cooper do most anything.
Well. There I go on a tangent again.
Any-hoo, I know you haven’t missed all the discussion over waterboarding and other “harsh interrogation techniques” authorized by the Bush administration on accused terrorists, particularly in the wake of the 9/11 attacks.
For anyone who got lost mushroom hunting last year and just now scrambled back into society, waterboarding basically simulates drowning in an effort used by interrogators to get their prisoners to reveal helpful information.
First of all, I’m ashamed that America — which we all, me included, certainly believe is the greatest nation on Earth — would torture anyone, for any reason.
Oh, I know all the arguments. “Would you not waterboard someone if it could have prevented the thousands of deaths on 9/11?” That’s a popular one.
Actually, no, I wouldn’t. Did the saying “the ends do not justify the means” go out of favor or something? I also think that if you torture — um, I mean, “harshly interrogate” — someone, you’re more likely to get false information.
Wouldn’t you say almost anything, give any lie, to get someone to quit doing something mean to you? Most people would.
If we as Americans hold ourselves up on a pedestal as a great nation, it makes no sense to me that we would then stoop to the lowest common denominator of tactics and act like barbarians, “war on terror” or not.
Or, to quote “Seinfeld’s” George Costanza: “We’re LIVING ... in a SOCIETY...!”
Second, I can think of lots of better ways to persuade someone to give our government’s intelligence agents the info that they want.
Think about it. Frick and Frack take you into custody, and Frick takes you to a room and makes you stand naked for hours in the cold, puts a few harmless but creepy spiders in the cell with you, and lets you stew in your own juices a while.
Then Frack comes by and takes you to a room where you’re dressed in warm, comfy sweats, seated on a plush couch and offered a delicious meal, wine and your favorite dessert.
With whom would you prefer to converse?
It seems to me that the negative methods of beatings, pretending to drown someone, etc., would just make a person hate the interrogator and clam up, even if they weren’t already predisposed to do so.
I would think that positive incentives to talk — set a steaming hot, delicious meal in front of a guy who hasn’t eaten for a little while, and tell him the food is all his when he answers a question or two — would be more likely to work.
I think that’d work on me. But perhaps I think so differently than these alleged terrorist types that I can’t imagine what might or might not work. I don’t know.
What I do know is that to argue that waterboarding is not torture is completely ridiculous. Our own country has said it’s torture, at least before the Bush administration. Carrying out torturous acts — oops — I mean, harsh interrogations on suspected terrorists makes us far too like them to sit right with me.
We have to take the higher road. We are America, after all. How can we keep our self-righteous indignation intact if we act just like the supposed third-world barbarians who hate us?
In actuality, we’re overlooking the best methods of torture. Waterboarding? HA. Let me suggest a few really harsh interrogation methods.
We’ve all sat through staff meetings that are akin to torture. Listening to your district manager, visiting from Timbuktu, talking about cost/benefit analysis or something just as fascinating can make anyone request that their fingernails be ripped out one by one instead.
Think a terrorist could withstand that kind of torture? Hardly.
I’ve heard some country songs, too, that would inflict pain on anyone — and I’m a big country music fan. But surely any would-be attacker would break under the pressure of hearing “I’d Be Better Off in a Pine Box” within minutes.
Ever get behind some 120-year-old gray-hair or a dingbat talking on a cell phone going 30 mph in a 55-mph zone? Waterboarding might seem like a pleasant summer rain shower compared to that experience.
I know there aren’t any media commentators who have the guts to undergo those kinds of stressors, but I’m still hoping one will step up to the plate and be waterboarded live on TV to show folks what it’s really like. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann offered money for charity to goad FOX’s Sean Hannity into letting himself be waterboarded, but I don’t think that stunt has gotten any traction.
Shockingly enough, I guess all these know-it-all talkers are just that — all talk. Since they make their living that way, I suppose that’s to be expected.
I just hope I never have information that someone wants to harshly interrogate out of me. They’d never get to waterboarding anyway.
All they’d have to do is put an ice cream sundae with hot fudge in front of me and threaten: “Tell us what we want to know, Weaver, or the ice cream’s toast.”
Yuck. I don’t even like toast. I’d spill the beans as soon as they gave me a spoon.
Well. Maybe terrorists don’t like ice cream as much as I do. But I can’t imagine why not.
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Julio wrote on May 7, 2009 7:26 AM: