Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:16 PM CST
COLUMN: Duuuude, pass the prescription bottle ... right on past me
By PENNY WEAVER, Night News Editor
pweaver@jg-tc.com
If this column ends up a disappointment, y’all will have to excuse me: I haven’t taken my Ritalin today.
Come to think of it, I haven’t taken my Adderall, either. And I don’t remember if I took my Provigil.
Actually, I don’t really take any of those meds. But if I did, surely my writing and other work and most everything I do would be better.
As if that’s possible ... !
Luckily for all of us, some scientists this week said we should be able to pop pills to boost brain power — even if we don’t have the diseases for which the drugs are normally prescribed.
In case you missed it, in what the Associated Press called “a provocative commentary,” some scientists said in an opinion piece in Sunday’s Nature that healthy people, if they want to, ought to be able to give their brains some pep via pills such as those prescribed for hyperactive kids or memory impaired seniors.
The seven experts noted that college students already take prescription drugs like Ritalin — illegally — since the stimulants can help them study.
The AP said the scientists noted, “We should welcome new methods of improving our brain function,” and doing it with pills is no more morally objectionable than eating right or getting a good night’s sleep, according to the experts, via the AP report.
Well! I guess caffeine rushes and sugar highs are for wimps. It’s apparently time for society to “advance” to something more sophisticated.
I can see it now when my boss comes over and spies the margarita on my desk this evening.
No worries. I’ll just calmly explain to him that alcohol mixed with fruity flavors and the sting of salt boosts my brain power. And I’ll happily point out to him that scientists seem to think that any method that improves brain function is a good deal.
So as long as I don’t spill Jack Daniels on my keyboard — margaritas help me on Mondays; Jack and Coke do the trick on Thursdays — I don’t think anyone can argue with my plan.
Even if they could, all I have to do is find the right drugs — and enough of them — and my brain will be so boosted someone’ll think I stole it. “To the victor go the spoils,” and to the pill popper goes the top ACT score, right?
In their commentary, the scientists also said that demand for brain-boosting pills is likely to grow among middle-aged people who want the powers of youthful memory, and among multitaskers at work to meet multiple demands.
Wow! We’ve come a long way from the ’80s when we got sick of that commercial with the egg and the frying pan: “This is your brain ... this is your brain on drugs ... any questions?”
Now we need a bit of a cure for — gasp! — growing older, and we can also blame our drug cravings on our employers. I can just hear the new lingo we’ll be spewing: “Oh man, the boss gave me two reports to do for Wednesday — this is gonna be a three-Ritalin night.”
Since young people allegedly already are using some of these prescription drugs in an illegal manner, why not just give them full access to any drug in any form that might help them improve their grades?
I can see it now: Nerve-racked teens arrive to take the PSAT, needing both something to calm them down and something to re-boost their brains. They pick up a pen, a pill and a doobie. Pot smoke floats in the air as they calmly fill in those little ovals. Drawled exclamations of “Duuuude!” and “Heeeeyyy maaaan!” pepper the otherwise quiet test-taking atmosphere.
Just how different is a currently illegal substance than a legal drug when used for purposes other than its intention? What is it they say? — “The slippery slope to hell is paved with pills?” — or something like that.
Just remember: Getting a good night’s sleep, eating healthy foods, popping pills willy-nilly — hey, it’s all the same.
That’s what the scientists said.
Some may call the experts’ opinion piece “provocative commentary.” I’m gonna consult my extensive dictionary files and just call it “stupid.”
Sure, stimulants like Adderall and Ritalin can help healthy people focus their attention and better handle information in their heads. Provigil is to assist those with sleep disorders, but it also can give a brain boost to well-rested people. Furthermore, some drugs used to treat Alzheimer’s patients have a memory advantage for others.
But why do people never seem to remember the simplest of sayings in life — such as, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should”?
There’s a reason that it’s a felony to use prescription stimulants illegally.
Even the seven scientists did say more research is needed into the risks of healthy people taking the abovementioned kinds of drugs.
My own research is done, though. Sometimes we just ought to be content with the brain power that was given to each of us. Using non-prescribed brain-boosting drugs isn’t the answer to anything except a better bottom line for drug companies.
So, alas, I’ll leave all my pill bottles at home, and you won’t see me with a joint in hand or at work with a strawberry daiquiri nearby.
I may be a wuss, but I’ll stick to chocolate, occasional caffeine and just a mediocre brain putt-putting along.
Besides, if I exhibited too much brilliance one day, people would come to expect that all the time.
And who wants to have to live up to that?
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medic57 wrote on Dec 11, 2008 8:36 AM:
My son was diagnosed many years ago with ADD, ADHD, Cerebral Palsy and epilepsey, Learning Disabilities and Behaivior Disorders. Over the years he was on everything from Adderal to Ritalin, ons doctor in South Carolins even had him on 200 mg of Benadryl a day (ahh, I just love knowledgeable Southern Doctors, althought he did sleep well and never had a runny nose.
I pretty much lost hope that he would ever finish school, let alone drive a car. In about the 10th grade, he was having such a hard time getting along with anyone or anything. He had F's in most of his Special Ed classes, finally, after getting kicked out of what Florida calls a Second Chance School, I kind of interjected, I told them that they had to educate him according to federal law. About that time my ex, at my behesting decided to take him off all meds.
Withing a couple of months he was better. He finished his last year and a half of school with mostly A's and B's, got his Drivers License and Graduated. He is now 22 years old and has a girlfriend. Now, I'm not saying that Stimulants are never called for, but it should be in a very controlled manner.
Perfectly healthy college students do not need them because they happend to stay up all night the night before drinking Beer and eating Pizza, which, by the way is why a lot of College students are run down and are seseptible to Spinal Meningitus. NOTHING replaces good food and good sleep.
Remember, Ritalin, Adderal and a host of other Stimulants are listed as a Schedule 2 Stimulant, THE SAME AS COCAINE. "