Monday, July 21, 2008 9:35 PM CDT
COLUMN: Passed gas may be best solution to US fuel shortages
By HARRY REYNOLDS, Editorial page editor
hreynolds@jg-tc.com
Dramatic increases in the cost of gasoline are exacting a heavy toll on American wallets. The price of fuel has also driven up food prices and other commodities.
Many Americans are cutting back on their driving, spending less on food and….
“FLIP-FLOP, FLIP-FLOP, FLIP-FLOP.”
The first thought crossing my mind was, “It’s not Eastern Illinois University President Bill Perry.” I considered the abominable snowman, but he doesn’t wear flip-flops either.
Not wishing to break away from my profound observations about Americans being a bunch of whiners (as Sen. Phil Gramm put it so eloquently last week), I pressed on at the computer.
“HEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!” Goldenrod boomed, grabbing the back of my chair and whipping it around.
Goldenrod pulled up a chair, dust rising from his robe as he sat. He smelled of tobacco and beer. He hadn’t shaved in at least a week; his halo was tarnish and hovering erratically.
“What kind of beer have you been drinking?”
“Since that Belgium company bought out Anheuser-Busch, I’ve switched to Irish beers,” Goldenrod said. “You know Guinness has been around since 1759.”
“How interesting,” I replied, wishing he would get to the point.
“Yeah, there was this man who worked for a clergyman. The minister left some money for the man’s son, who started a brewery.
“This Bud’s not for me, that’s the way I feel about it these days,” said the angel. “I’m betting they’ll eventually move the company out of St. Louis.”
“Oh, I hope not,” I replied. “That would be a disaster. Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis is part of American legend. It has the emotional weight of motherhood and apple pie.”
“That was beautiful,” Goldenrod said. “You ought to be a writer.”
“You don’t read the JG/T-C Online comments, do you?” I asked.
“The Boss doesn’t like them. He’s doesn’t think much of people barking their opinions without attaching their real names.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said.
“Of course, you do.” snapped Goldenrod. “You’re writing this column.”
“Which means, I’m responsible for diverting our conversation from its real intent,” I said, confused. “What did I just say?”
“You really do have a memory problem,” the angel sighed. “OK, I’ll take it from here.
“The Boss send me down here with a radical proposal — which you know, but can’t remember. Luckily, the H.A. reads your columns before you write them.”
“I guess that’s possible,” I mused.
“Of course. The guy even knows when a sparrow falls, so he certainly knows what you’re going to do. Now that’s what I call invasion of privacy.”
“Get to the point!”
“The Boss was working on a solution to our energy before the ‘Big Bang.’”
“The Higher Authority can be quite impressive at times,” I allowed.
“What was his solution?” I asked.
Goldenrod reached into his robe and pulled out a can of navy beans. “You know what this is?”
“Uh, from the label on the can, I gather it’s a can of navy beans,” I replied. “What’s this got to do with producing energy and preventing global warming?”
“There are roughly 6 billion people on the planet,” said the angel. “I think it will be around 8 billion in 20 years or less.”
“So?”
“What’s the matter with you? It’s so obvious.”
“Sorry, but you’ll have to explain this to me. How does eating navy beans fit into the Higher Authority’s plans?”
“We all know eating navy beans causes people to pass gas,” Goldenrod continued. “And beans are cheap. And they’re good for you. They’re the perfect food.”
“They are pretty good. I like them with onions, topped off with lots of ketchup. I like to crumble my cornbread up in….”
“The Boss already knows that,” interjected the angel. “But, he intended for man to eat the cornbread with his beans, not crumbled in it. He wishes he had made it the 11th Commandment.
“You never know what he’s going to get upset about,” Goldenrod added.
“Getting back to what I was saying. Six or 8 billion people eating beans will create enough gas to meet the world’s demand as long as man inhabits the earth. The more people there are, the more gas they’ll pass.”
“Uh, there’s just one little problem I see. How does the Higher Authority propose to trap all the gas so it can be used as a fuel?”
“Oh, you think you’re so smart,” Goldenrod said abruptly. “A series of passed-gas collectors will be scattered around the world. The gas will then be pumped into the ground — sequestered.
“Sounds similar to FutureGen’s plans,” I said.
“Exactly! That was his idea, you know, sequestering carbon dioxide.”
“That figures.”
Goldenrod paused. “You know why dinosaurs were created and why they roamed the earth for hundreds of millions of years?”
“I can’t wait for this,” I rejoined. “Tell me.”
“The Boss used them in an experiment. They passed a lot of gas, you know.”
“I’ve heard.”
“Before H.A. could get the passed-gas collectors on line, there was a huge explosion. It rocked the planet, trillions of tons of sediment spewed into the air, darkening the sky for decades.”
“So, you’re telling me the dinosaurs were wiped out when the gas they passed exploded?” I said.
“That’s the gospel truth,” Goldenrod answered.
“This time, though, the Boss thinks he’d got it right.”
“What happens if he doesn’t?” I asked.
“What do you think caused the first Big Bang?”
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father bob wrote on Jul 22, 2008 10:02 AM:
i'm certain there's a state law prohibiting that.....i'm looking.... "