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St. Louis Post-Dispatch

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008 6:46 PM CDT
COLUMN: Once they're 21, put a 'closed' sign on the nest and keep it that way

By PENNY WEAVER, Night news editor
pweaver@jg-tc.com

I love my mom, and we get along well — in fact, she’s one of my best friends — but let me state for the record, here and now, one unwavering fact:

I’m not moving back in with her.

Now, she will read this and say a prayer of thanks right now, so let me pause.

Oh ... that’s right. As she so wisely says, “The printed word will wait.” So we’ll move on.

Most of you probably read the story on the cover of Saturday’s JG/T-C about grown adults — at middle age even — who are having economic troubles and have moved back in with their parents.

No way, man!

I try not to be judgmental; really, I do. At first I sympathized with one woman featured in the article. It seemed she was doing all she could to stay independent.

She lost her job, then worked at several lower-paying jobs, moved and even declared bankruptcy as she tried to get back on her feet. Eventually, she took her parents up on an offer to move back in with them.

Blamed on the poor economy, this apparently is happening among more people, and even those in their 50s, whereas it’s somewhat common these days for young people in their 20s to move back in with Mom and Pops if the job market slumps.

In the case of this woman in the Associated Press story, I did sympathize until I read further in the story. She’s living with her parents — they refuse to take rent money or let her help pay much for groceries — and trying to save each month to buy a house.

She said she’d rather live on her own, but if she didn’t accept her parents’ help, she’d “probably be renting again and trying to stick minimal money in the bank,” she said.

Oh, the horror!

Good lord! Imagine — renting a house! In this society today, how can we let such horrific events occur?!

Give me a break.

I guess the lack of many Americans’ ability to sacrifice when times are lean is not just a phenomenon of the most recent generations.

Just how did our grandparents get through the Depression? You know darn well they didn’t move in with their parents and expect to be taken care of. They scrimped and saved and sacrificed.

How did these parents who are now helping their grown children make it when they were younger and times got tough? Did they run home to mommy and daddy too?

Now, granted, everyone has rough times. When a person is down on his or her luck, that’s what family and friends are for: to help out. Many a person has gratefully bunked on someone else’s couch a while when in dire need.

But I guess my definition of truly “down on your luck” is different than some people’s.

I’m not just blowing smoke here. No, I can’t say I’ve ever truly had really rough times, but I’ve lived through some years that were more slim than others.

I moved to Houston via a promotion at work in 2001, newly single and starting over. I rented a one-bedroom apartment, and my biggest piece of furniture was a cheap futon with a mattress not thick enough to cushion my back against the metal rails below.

Oh, I also had a small brown recliner that I got free, and a little table my dad gave me that came from an old Hardee's restaurant. Later, I got a couple of chairs for free to go with it, which did make it more useful, I’ll admit.

I watched TV on a 13-inch set with bad color. I got two lamps free from the office where I worked because they weren’t being used. I waited a few months to buy a mattress and box springs because — gasp! — I couldn’t afford them. And then, I only got a bed frame later when a friend gave me one.

I ate a lot of bologna and I never went out to eat. I had just the basics, but I could afford my car payment, rent, utilities and trying to pay off some old bills. And I was happy, because I was on the road to recovery, financially and otherwise.

I’m not relating this so anyone feels sorry for me or thinks I did anything extraordinary. I didn’t. I just did what I could with what I had.

Eventually, I even bought a 19-inch color TV and a VCR. They were luxuries — sitting on top of plastic crates in a corner of my living room. Later, I added a free couch to my menagerie, and I was glad to have it.

I didn’t do anything that should be considered that drastic. I never went hungry, and I always had shelter and clothing.

What I don’t understand is why people seem to think they can’t downsize to the bare minimum when they are having rough times.

If I were that lady in the AP story, I’d have gotten rid of everything and rented an efficiency apartment, or even just a room somewhere. I’d get rid of my vehicle if I couldn’t afford it and take the bus or ride a bike or walk, if living in the city and able to do so.

What’s so hard about that?

Sure, I don’t have kids, so maybe I know nothing about parenting. But it seems to me that parents can consider themselves successful when their kids leave and don’t come back to stay but instead stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves.

My parents helped me out a lot over the years, as they did my sisters: used furniture delivered for free, fix-it jobs by Dad at no charge, food delivered by Mom “just because.”

But I’m not moving back home. I like to take care of myself. If every adult on earth took care of themselves, then everyone would be taken care of, right?

I don’t even have to ask how Mom feels about the subject. I teased her last fall and said maybe someday I’d move a trailer in next to her house, just to be close by. There’s plenty of room in the yard, I pointed out.

Her reply was lightning quick:

“It’s not zoned for that!”

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HerChild wrote on Mar 26, 2008 11:32 PM:

" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL "

Becky wrote on Mar 27, 2008 8:40 AM:

" "Just how did our grandparents get through the Depression? You know darn well they didn’t move in with their parents and expect to be taken care of. They scrimped and saved and sacrificed"

Actually back then, most households were at least 2 generations, if not 3, of family members in one house. Grandparents, parents and oldest son. Secondly, since you're not a parent, you have no idea what you're talking about. If you've noticed, rental property is either twice as expensive than buying or it's in really, REALLY bad shape. If the parents and child don't have a problem with a short term living arrangement, why would you? "

Why Not wrote on Mar 27, 2008 1:04 PM:

" The problem is that most people want to take care of themself, the problem is that not all can. You see, if I told my adult children NO, then what am I to do when I am even older and unable to take care of myself and need a little help with normal activities...are my children then going to say, "NO, youa are an adult mom, just like you told me 20 years ago, there is no reason why you can't take care of yourself."

I guess when your mom needs help with every day activities, you can say, "sorry mom, my home is not zoned for senior care."

So your article is actually very arrogant and ignorant of what is really going on in the world today. "

pj1983 wrote on Mar 28, 2008 8:29 AM:

" good article, penny. my boss and i were discussing just this topic the other day. how can you suffer from empty nest syndrome if THEY WON'T LEAVE?! as for the state of the rental properties, becky have you even looked lately? of course you're going to find some that are less than desirable but there are some very nice homes for rent in the area. and yes sometimes you'll pay more for renting a house than your payments to the bank would be to buy a house. with a $60,000 house you'd be making $500 payments. there are houses in the area that you can rent for less than that. of course renting gets you nowhere. you just keep pumping money in and have nothing to show for it but at least you aren't responsible for repairs and taxes. there are bonuses and drawbacks to each way of living. that doesn't make one way wrong or better than the other though. "

Beaches wrote on Mar 28, 2008 9:16 AM:

" I don't think the article is arrogant, and she states, sometimes it may be necessary for a short time. My concern are the adults I see who don't seem to learn their lessons - they run up their credit cards, move home for free, and don't change their lifestyle to fix the problem they have created. Not all children who move home are in this boat - I lived at home after college twice - once because I hadn't found a full time job - I was home for about 7 months, and another because I had gone back to graduate school and living at home allowed me to help with an ill parent. There are legitimate reasons, but I believe what concerns Penny is the adult children who don't seem to be able to make it on their own, or to understand how to make it on their own. What happens when their parents are gone? If they haven't learned the skills to handle their finances and make the tough decisions, there will no longer be anyone to bail them out of a bad situation. "

Kyle wrote on Mar 28, 2008 6:33 PM:

" Wow. It is amazing how completely a column can miss the mark.

You are right that people should downsize during tough times, and that some live with their parents as an extension of an attempt to live a lifestyle beyond their means.

But in a society of wasteful inefficiency, multiple-generation homes can be a strong financial and environmental choice. "

tammer65 wrote on Mar 28, 2008 9:33 PM:

" I don't think it's my place to pass judgment on anyone choosing to move back home, nor do I think it's fair to assume that everyone making that sort of move is a freeloader. (And before anyone jumps to conclusions, I've been on my own since I was 22 and lived at home during my college years not for a free ride, but to help my dad care for my mom, who was battling terminal cancer.) Sometimes the return-to-the-nest syndrome can be mutally beneficial, financially and emotionally, for both parents and adult children. Some parents do accept help with the utilities and groceries and rent, and even if they don't, they might receive immeasurable help with things like the laundry, meal preparation and housework, lawn work, etc., or with care-giving in the case of an ill or elderly parent -- all of which they would pay for, sometimes quite handsomely, to strangers providing the service. Yes, self-reliance is an important thing; I'm just not sure that there's only one way to measure it, or that it's any more important a virtue than family unity. "

steve senteney wrote on Mar 28, 2008 9:43 PM:

" Penny:
Very good article.
"

Kyle wrote on Mar 30, 2008 2:21 AM:

" Only in a society as obsessed with conspicuous consumption as the U.S. could the proper, efficient conservation of resources be condemned.

Multi-generation households should be the norm. Can you imagine how much we'd save in heating costs alone? I thought we had an energy crisis brewing or something?

Note, this only applies to people who live with their parents with the intention of paying their fair share of the bills. Those who just want a cheap way to live it up are another story. "

midright wrote on Mar 31, 2008 12:52 PM:

" Well Kyle you have has many relatives as you want living with you (from Kyle's comments I assume he would require it if he could of everyone), that's your business, as for me, I'm retired and NOBODY is welcome except in emergencies. After my son was thrown out of college (there was a waste of money) he came home, slept most of the day (said he was looking in the paper for jobs but there weren't any) after a couple of months of this I had, had enough. I gave him 30 days to get out. He did. Now he was faced with growing up and getting a job. He did. He's now very successful in his career, but I wonder if I had had Kyle's attitude what he would be today! Just another of the "won'ts" in our society that the rest of us "will's" have to support. "

Kyle wrote on Mar 31, 2008 4:38 PM:

" I wouldn't force anybody to do anything. I just don't see the point of putting such social stigma on the most efficient economic choice for all involved.

I'm sorry that your son specifically was lazy or emotionally stunted or something and needed some tough love. But there's nothing wrong with, and a lot of positive things about, a situation in which children live with parents and contribute to the household, eventually taking it over as the parents get closer to retirement. "

father bob wrote on Apr 1, 2008 9:19 AM:

" midright wrote on Mar 31, 2008 12:52 PM:After my son was thrown out of college (there was a waste of money) he came home, slept most of the day (said he was looking in the paper for jobs but there weren't any) after a couple of months of this I had, had enough.

sorry you had a rotten kid...but what you and Kyle are talking about are two different situations. my son had to come home for a few months after 6 years of college....and he finally got a job and works in chicago faring very well for himself. i was more than happy to have helped him, and i know if i need help in my later years, he'll do the same for me. "

tammer65 wrote on Apr 1, 2008 12:01 PM:

" Midright also seems to have a negative view of college education, having said: "After my son was thrown out of college (there was a waste of money). . . ." A college education isn't for everyone, and others who might be suited for college aren't necessarily ready for it straight out of high school. Please don't paint the whole system, though, as a "waste of money." "

pj1983 wrote on Apr 2, 2008 7:29 AM:

" i don't think (and i could be wrong) that midright meant to say that the college institution as a whole was a waste of money, merely her contribution for her son's education. (meaning that she put all that money into it just for him to get kicked out.....) at least that's what i got out of it. "

krusayda wrote on Apr 2, 2008 8:53 AM:

" The rate prices are going, we may all have to move in together n order to survive. "

tammer65 wrote on Apr 2, 2008 12:12 PM:

" Krusayda, how true! During the Great Depression, it wasn't uncommon for families to take in their adult children, or a spouse's brother or sister or parents, to cope through tough times. Live and let live! "

Mrs. M. wrote on Apr 3, 2008 6:25 PM:

" In mose European countries married couples might be living with their parents and they have no problems with it there so why we here in the USA have problems with it?? I feel it is their business and not ours!!! "