Friday, November 16, 2007 12:10 AM CST
COLUMN: EIU's Bill Perry walks on water & changes beer into grape juice
By HARRY REYNOLDS, Editorial page editor
hreynolds@jg-tc.com
I haven’t met newly inaugurated Eastern Illinois University President Bill Perry, but I’ve been close.
This summer, my son and I waved at Perry as we whizzed by in my old green-and-silver Dakota pickup. We caught the man crossing the intersection at Fourth and Lincoln.
He smiled and returned the greeting.
J.L. and I were thrilled by the encounter, in the process barely avoiding a rampaging herd of EIU coeds. They took no notice of eminent danger, all being engaged in animated conversation on cell phones.
The clattering of their flip-flops didn’t help.
The other day, I read a story somewhere about a young woman text messaging while driving a car while dangling her leg out the window.
Which, admittedly, wasn’t safe, but, in her case, fortunately, not deadly.
I once read about a motorist who dropped his false teeth on the floor of his van. He must have really loved those choppers. When he tried to retrieve them, it cost him his life.
Running head-on into a semi will do that.
And then, there was the story about these three guys from the Middle East en route to somewhere in a van. The vehicle had cruise control. The driver went to the back of the van with his friends.
There were no survivors.
Perry attended a community leaders’ breakfast recently at Lake Land College. Of course, I cannot swear it was him. At 7:30 a.m., having not consumed a pot of coffee, I snored through a dream involving “Girls Gone Wild,” Pat Robertson, Britney Spears and President Bush’s belated conversion to fiscal conservatism.
“So, what’s going on?”
An immediate distraction, the dark and looming presence. At first, I thought it was Dick Cheney, but the dirty, white feather drifting to my desktop vanquished that notion.
The angel sat down.
“You’re writing about Bill Perry, the president of Eastern Illinois University, newly inaugurated, consecrated, dedicated and immortalized,” Goldenrod said, flicking the ash from his cigarette onto the floor.
“Snuff the cigarette,” I demanded. “We don’t permit smoking in the office or the immediate premises.”
Goldenrod tossed the cigarette, vanquishing it with his sandal.
“What are you writing about ol’ Bill?” asked the angel.
“We don’t refer to the president of EIU as ‘ol’ Bill,’” I snapped. “He is the man of the future, the man of our dreams. He’s a virtual legend about these parts.”
“I gathered that from all the news coverage, etc.,” said Goldenrod. “The Boss hasn’t received that much coverage. Not in a thousand years.”
“Get to the point, Goldenrod. I’m trying to get this column done praising Perry’s great contributions to the university, community and all mankind.”
“That’s why I’m here,” the angel said. “To help you in the quest to immortalize ol’ Bill.”
Goldenrod pulled out a wad of chewing tobacco and crammed it in his mouth.
“When did you start chewing tobacco?” I asked.
“Since Thursday,” he replied.
“Why Thursday?” I asked.
“Sarah Bush Lincoln Health Center banned smoking from its premises,” said Goldenrod, sneering. “Shortsighted, if you get my drift.”
The angel chewed for a few moments.
“You know, of course, ol’ Bill has been doing some amazing things besides being immortalized,” Goldenrod said, finally.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Like walking on the EIU campus pond, for one thing.”
That caught me by surprise. “You mean Perry was walking around the pond,” I said.
“No, I mean, he was walking across the pond,” Goldenrod replied.
“That’s impossible!” I cried.
“Not for Bill Perry,” drawled the angel.
“And that’s not all.”
“This is ridiculous,” I retorted.”
“Not if you’ve been immortalized,” said Goldenrod. “And ol’ Bill has had about all of that any man can handle. It would drive most men to drink. But, not ol’ Bill.”
“Fame is hard to handle,” I had to admit.
“Well, he resisted the temptation,” Goldenrod continued. “The Boss said the other night, ol’ Bill entered Jerry’s Pizza and turned all the beer into grape juice.”
“I’ll bet they wish Perry had done that last month,” I quipped.
“There will be plenty of time for him to perform other great miracles, now that he’s been officially glorified and installed as president,” Goldenrod observed.
“So, what’s he to do next?”
“The Boss thinks ol’ Bill will soundproof his office and rip his phone line out so he can think.
“He can’t take much more of all the joyful praising, platitudes and immortalizing.”
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rickenbacker wrote on Nov 16, 2007 11:16 AM: