Thursday, September 13, 2007 9:20 PM CDT
Column: Caution: Contents of this column may be silly (but you knew that)
By PENNY WEAVER, Night News Editor
pweaver@jg-tc.com
Had I actually watched U.S. Gen. David Petraeus before Congress this week, I doubt I would have been thinking what everyone else was thinking.
Sure, y’all had heavy questions of troop levels, sectarian violence, anti-war protests and such on your minds.
Me, I wonder how that guy gets through security at the airport with all that decor on his jacket. His medals and stars and colorful whats-its must initiate system overload for a metal detector.
It’s all about how you look at things, you see.
I’m like most people, I think — I watch and read the news and I get sick of the negativity. Politicians sticking it to the average person — by, oh, I don’t know, voting themselves a raise while sitting on their hands about high electric rates, for example; the rising cost of literally everything: gasoline, groceries, utilities, housing, etc.; the continued acidic, hateful battle between pro-war and anti-war, pro-life and pro-abortion, Religion A versus Religion B ...
It’s tiring.
But never fear! There is comedy in the world. Sometimes I find it in the most benign of places.
Here in our own newspaper, I’ve seen occasional notices for a “low vision support group.” Hm, I wonder. Why isn’t that listing in large print? It seems downright mean to put such a notice in regular newspaper type, here at 8.5 points.
I sure hope those folks also make their announcements via the airwaves too. I don’t see us going to Braille on the newspaper page any too soon.
Driving to and from work as I burn gasoline to keep oil companies rich — I’m thoughtful that way — I wonder who came up with the yard signs that boldly declare, “FOR SALE BY OWNER.”
Well, I think to myself, who else would sell something? Surely it’s always the owner of an item who offers it up to the highest bidder. If I could put a neighbor’s speed boat up for sale and make some cash, and I haven’t known it all these years, surely I have missed out on some real opportunities.
Another one that I see when I’m driving is that yellow sign proclaiming, “Hidden Drive.” Well! Not anymore, is it? I bet the folks who hid the drive to begin with are pretty upset that someone gave it away with a big bright metal sign. I hope no one ever did that near the Bat Cave.
Then there are the many silly and just plain ridiculous warnings all around us. Sure, I know the story behind some of them, but it still seems laughably dumb.
“Caution: Contents may be hot.” You’ve all seen this one on a cup of coffee. I always think to myself, “Well, that’s what I’m hoping for!” Cold coffee or hot chocolate is a real bummer.
But thank goodness they’ve put directions now on candy bar wrappers. Whew! I don’t know how I ever opened a Hershey’s bar years ago when they didn’t have the “Lift Here” and “Pull Here” instructions on the seam on the back.
For crying out loud — do we really need instructions on how to open a simple candy package?! Probably those who do need such direction have bigger problems than a chocolate craving, I’m guessing.
It’s all around us, I tell you. Just look for it with a skewed sense of humor like I have.
When I do the weather page sometimes for the newspaper, I always feel a little guilty if the forecast calls for “partly sunny” or “partly cloudy.” You see, we have only one icon when it comes to that description — one with a sun partially eclipsed by a cloud — and it confuses me.
What’s the difference? Part of the day or part of the sky will be cloudy, and if it’s not cloudy, it’ll be sunny. Hm. I’d think the same day could be called either partly sunny or partly cloudy.
I guess it depends on whether you are a “half full” or “half empty” kind of person. Well, you know what they say: It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other.
I ran across what’s become my favorite of these kind of supposedly serious but actually hilarious nonsensical things a couple of weeks ago. I purchased a case for my music CDs — one of those sort of wallet types with sleeves for the discs.
On the outside of the cardboard on the container — I kid you not — it said: “Unit automatically becomes portable when carried.”
Well! Let that sink in a sec. Read it again if you need to.
So let me see. That means this little carrier will be portable if I only put it in my hand and walk with it. Huh.
I guess I’m “portable” too, if two big strong men come along and lift me from one side of the room to the other.
That means my fridge is portable, too, if I put it on a dolly and roll it a few feet. But it wouldn’t be like my CD case — “automatically” portable when carried.
Who typed that onto the design for the cardboard case on the item — er, “unit,” excuse me — with a straight face?! Who actually decided to put that phrase on there in the first place?!
In all our seriousness, we sure come up with some doozies. I can’t get too bogged down in the state of world affairs when I’m busy reading directions on my Butterfinger, selling my neighbor’s fine china from my previously “Hidden Drive,” checking the clouds — or the sun — in the sky, and carrying around my suddenly portable CD “unit.”
Just remember, folks: Your newspaper automatically becomes portable when carried. You read it here first.
Add your comments
Not already registered?
Then click Here.
Comment policy:
JG-TC.com encourages readers to engage in civil conversation with their neighbors. Comments that are submitted are not posted to the site immediately. They go into a queue to be moderated and may take several hours to be reviewed. Comments posted on Saturday may not be reviewed until Sunday afternoon.
In order to keep the page a set width, long lines (mostly long links) will be chopped. Try putting spaces in your links or consider using tinyurl.com to make a smaller link that you can include.
We will never edit or alter your comments, but we do reserve the right to remove comments that violate our code of conduct.
No comment may contain:
* Potentially libelous statements; such as accusing somebody of a crime, defamation of character, or statements that can harm somebody's reputation.
* Obscene, explicit, or racist language.
* Personal attacks, insults, threats, harassment or inciting violence.
* Commercial product promotions.
If you have any questions, please contact our moderator.
|
|
|
Early Bird wrote on Sep 13, 2007 6:58 AM: