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Saturday, June 2, 2007 1:11 AM CDT
Column: Yup, this work comes with the mortgage
By HERB MEEKER, Staff Writer
hmeeker@jg-tc.com
In my youth, this was the month when homework ended.
Now, as a homeowner, this is the month when work on the home really begins outdoors.
There are no real gold stars awarded for doing your summer home work. Actually, some people take it or leave it. I am one who takes on the challenge, but I know my limitations.
During my school days teachers emphasized the Three R’s. My home work now concentrates on the three P’s: patchin’, plantin’ and painting.
Patching is all about math and measuring. Make sure you are covering the hole with more than enough material. Speaking as a weighty person myself, it’s a shame some more-to-love people don’t understand this concept when it comes to clothing.
Patching sounds simple, but I wasn’t a great math student. So I will call my brother over some weekend to patch up our garage roof and chimney flashing. A case of beer and friendly conversation will be his gratuity.
Planting requires simple tools. For me the list includes a rake, trowel, shovel and wife.
And in this list, last is definitely not least. She tells me where to use the implements of destruction and then she does the rest. Well, that is how it works sometimes. There are times she takes up the tools and points me to other tasks.
Painting is something I enjoy more than any summertime home work. That is because there is a life risk in it for me.
It amounts to having my bulky figure defying gravity on an overworked ladder, while trying to push the brush into those hard-to-reach spots. That is where some of the spiders tend to spin their webs so you have to make sure they are painted down forever. The trick is to sneak up on the spiders while reaching out from the ladder.
(I’ve painted many houses and I have not really fallen outright from a ladder. There was a slow-motion fall when I suddenly realized the house was at an angle. I thought that was very strange. Then I looked at the ground and realized it was coming closer with each second. I bailed out before the ladder hit the ground with a crash.)
In many ways, my limited knowledge of zoology does come in handy while painting.
I’ve learned that those pesky pigeons don’t scare easily when they sit on the edge of the roof — actually their periodic outhouse. So, I have learned that pitching some sweet gum balls their way can prevent any biohazards.
But the squirrels are more resilient.
They try to put a zap on my head while jumping from branch to branch on the trees. Then they start barking. No wonder dogs go crazy over squirrels.
But the worst tactic of the bushy-tailed terrors is when they pop their heads over the edge of the roof when I’m distracted dipping the brush. I nearly lost a paint pail when my eyes met one of them with his version of a Clint Eastwood stare down.
Well, this year, I will be prepared. After cleaning out the garage loft I found the perfect deterrent for squirrels. It’s a long bamboo pole.
There I will be out in the backyard one morning this summer before painting, slamming the lower branches of our ash tree while screaming the following:
“Make my day, you little furballs! Do you feel lucky?! Bring it on!”
This is when my neighbors might close the windows and crank up the air conditioning and their favorite radio station. Sometimes, scenes from nature are too cruel to behold.
Herb Meeker is a staff writer for the Journal Gazette/Times-Courier. Contact Meeker at hmeeker@jg-tc.com or 238-6869.
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